


so many secrets to show

by marmee_ginny



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, knife shoes appreciation society
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-17
Updated: 2018-09-17
Packaged: 2019-07-13 08:09:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,976
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16013843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marmee_ginny/pseuds/marmee_ginny
Summary: “But anyway,” Kanako continues, “Shoma would shut down every time you were mentioned. Like he used to do when he was feeling overwhelmed and hiding it. But he hasn’t done that in years. So we - Keiji, Daisuke and I - thought something had happened between you two.”





	so many secrets to show

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't written anything in years but this idea wouldn't leave my head!
> 
> Many thanks to unos for being a life-saver, willingly listening to my ramblings, and being the best beta ever. This fic wouldn't exist without you and I can't thank you enough. 
> 
> Join our discord! https://discord.gg/Vu5C7P3

Yuzuru has to admit that it took a while for him to realize it. To be fair, he didn’t have much time to think about anything other than getting physically healthy again. Looking back now, he can pinpoint exactly when things started to go wrong. It took a while but he did realize Shoma had pulled away from him. And it all started right after Pyeongchang.

Before Pyeongchang, Yuzuru and Shoma had a good system going on. They were friends and they kept constant contact. Living in opposite sides of the world meant they would wait hours to get a response to a message sometimes. But they made the effort.

It was something that helped Yuzuru keep sane through all the stress of recovery and not knowing for sure if he would be able to compete at the Olympics. Yuzuru was sure it also helped Shoma in some way, though he was not sure how now that he thinks about it. They talked about everything from gaming to food. They joked about things and made fun of each other but also had serious conversations when they needed to. It worked for them.

And then Pyeongchang happened and they won gold and silver medals together. It was a pivotal moment for Yuzuru.

And amidst the tears and laughter, while feeling on top of the world, Yuzuru looks at Shoma and starts to realize. That what he feels is more than friendship. And that he has felt that way for a while without realizing what that feeling was. But now he knows. He’s in love with Shoma and he has no idea if Shoma feels the same and it scares him shitless.

So he starts searching for clues. He had kind of forced his way into Shoma’s more reserved walls for years now. It’s easier to touch him now than it would have been before. The easy friendship they had cemented through messages is still there. They can joke together and make fun of each other but Yuzuru isn’t confident that Shoma feels the same. So he doesn’t say anything about it, preferring to wait and see if their relationship would develop from there.

After the Olympics, they go their separate ways and Yuzuru starts to focus on his rehabilitation. He keeps messaging Shoma as before. Shoma keeps answering, but it’s different.

Looking back, he realizes that when before he would get a “I’m dying” or “Everything hurts” after asking about Shoma’s training, now he gets a “It’s fine.” Questions about his rehabilitation go from “Did you make anyone cry today?” and “Is there any hair left on Mr. Orser’s head?” to a simple “How is rehabilitation going?” And there are no more inquiries about his progress on the game they are both playing. No jokes about how Yuzuru would never catch up to Shoma or how bad he is at playing it. He expects questions and jokes about Continues and gets none.

And Yuzuru can’t think of any reason for the sudden change other than the fact that he had been transparent with his feelings for Shoma. That it had scared the younger skater away. It is the only explanation that makes any sense to Yuzuru when he has to wait two full days to receive a simple “Yes” in response to his question about whether he would see Shoma at the JSF award ceremony.

Nothing brings him down from the high of successfully planning, producing and executing his own event quite like feeling that he had screwed up his friendship with Shoma for good. It’s a cold feeling that spreads in his chest.

The parade in Sendai and the amount of people cheering for him on the streets of his hometown make him forget about it for a whole day. Shoma’s four days of complete radio silence after that is what makes Yuzuru take Keiji aside on the first opportunity before the ceremony.

“Keiji! Have you noticed anything weird about Shoma lately?” he bursts out, causing Keiji to startle.

“Um, no, not at all.” Keiji answers. “I called him two nights ago and he seemed fine.”

“Oh,” Yuzuru says faintly, “and he answered as usual?”

“Oh yes! I made a joke about making sure he wouldn’t forget anything crucial like his suit for the ceremony and he gave me an audible eye roll, which is the norm.” He says, smiling at the memory before asking, “Why? Is there something wrong?”

Yuzuru forces himself to smile. “I’m probably imagining things. It’s nothing. Thank you, though.”

Keiji doesn’t seem to buy it but doesn’t try to pry. That’s such a Keiji thing to do and in that moment Yuzuru is so glad to have him as a friend that his smile softens into something more genuine. Keiji just nods and pats Yuzuru on the shoulder before leaving him alone.

But the knowledge that Shoma was keeping in touch and joking with other people stays in Yuzuru’s mind while preparing for the ceremony.

When Shoma arrives the ceremony has already started. He barely looks at Yuzuru the whole time he’s there. He also seems to make sure they are close for the pictures but not close enough for him to have to talk to or touch Yuzuru in any way. Yuzuru looks over at Keiji to see if he can make his teammate notice the situation, but Keiji doesn’t look back.

Shoma disappears as suddenly as he had arrived.

Realistically, Yuzuru knows Shoma went straight from the airport to the ceremony. That he’s probably sleep-deprived and jetlagged. But he can’t help but leave the ceremony thinking Shoma wants nothing to do with him.

The weeks that follow only make everything worse. Yuzuru goes back to rehab: the more he focuses on his body, the more his mind wanders. In his darkest moments, while lying in bed icing his throbbing foot, Yuzuru’s thoughts spiral out of control. In those moments, Yuzuru is sure Shoma hates him. For a few minutes, he convinces himself that Shoma is disgusted by his feelings and would never speak to him again outside of a public setting.

He continually reminds himself that Shoma isn’t that type of person. That friendly, easy-going Shoma would never hate someone over who they fell in love with. It’s not who he is. But the thought stays there, to resurface again when he is feeling most vulnerable.

Then, a few days before Fantasy on Ice, Kanako calls him while he’s sitting in bed watching some old videos of his. He pauses the video and stretches his legs on the bed, glad to give her his full attention. At first, she asks about him and his condition and he’s glad to tell her about his improvement. They joke around for a bit until Kanako’s voice turns serious.

“Has something happened between you and Shoma?” She asks, and her tone gives nothing away.

Yuzuru takes a moment to panic, remembering that she was with Shoma at Prince Ice World until the day before. Maybe Shoma had said something. “Why do you ask?” he hedges.

“I asked first,” she interrupts, almost making Yuzuru laugh. When he stays silent, she sighs and admits, “He was acting weird every time your name was mentioned. Keiji mentioned talking to you at–”

“What!?” Yuzuru exclaims. “What did Keiji say?”

Kanako seems thrown by his interjection. “Oh, uh… He told us you guys talked and that you seemed worried about something but he wouldn’t tell us what.”

Yuzuru makes a mental note to buy Keiji a gift.

“But anyway,” Kanako continues, “Shoma would shut down every time you were mentioned. Like he used to do when he was feeling overwhelmed and hiding it. But he hasn’t done that in years. So we - Keiji, Daisuke and I - thought something had happened between you two.”

Yuzuru makes a hurt sound before he can stop it. Kanako waits for him to say something and when he stays silent, she asks, “Well, did something happen?”

“No,” Yuzuru answers without any conviction.

“Yuzu.” Kanako sighs. “What happened?”

Yuzuru’s shoulders drop and raises a hand to his forehead before letting his head hit the headboard of his bed. Yuzuru takes a deep breath.

“Nothing happened. Not really. He just– I just–”

Kanako makes an encouraging noise and Yuzuru pleads, “You can’t tell anyone what I’m about to tell you. This has to stay between us. Promise me, Kanako. Not even Mao!”

Yuzuru can hear the sincerity in her voice when she says: “I promise, Yuzu.”

Yuzuru stares straight ahead  and opens his mouth but no sound comes out. After a few more tries, he sighs and Kanako whispers, “Yuzu? You don’t have to tell me.”

Yuzuru shakes his head. “No, I want to tell you. I want– I’d like someone else to know this.” Kanako makes a surprised sound but Yuzuru keeps talking, “The problem is– Well– I’m in love with Shoma and–”

“You are in love with Sho?!” Kanako screams before she starts to giggle and Yuzuru can feel himself panicking.

“Kanako, please tell me you’re alone right now,” he pleads.

She stops giggling long enough to reassure him. “Yes, of course.”

Yuzuru puts his hand in his chest and takes a deep breath. “It’s like you want to send me to an early grave.”

“You’re so dramatic!” Kanako laughs but quickly turns serious again. “Wait. You said 'problem'. Why is that a problem?”

Yuzuru sighs and decides to lie down on his bed, looking at his ceiling. This seems like it’ll be a long call, he might as well be comfortable for it. “You mean, besides the obvious problem with the media and the fans if they ever found out?”

Somehow, Yuzuru can hear Kanako roll her eyes. “Yes, of course. Besides that,” she answers with a sigh.

“Well, it’s a problem because I guess Sho noticed and now he’s completely freaked out and uncomfortable about it, to say the least.”

“Wait. Hold on. You think Shoma knows you’re in love with him and that his reaction is to be freaked out and uncomfortable?”

“Yes. I mean, I don’t know–” But Yuzuru doesn’t get to finish his thought because Kanako starts laughing uncontrollably. “Are you laughing at my pain?”

“No! No no no!” Yuzuru can hear her trying to control her laughter and taking deep breaths before she’s able to speak again. “I’m sorry. It’s just– Do you really think Sho’s reaction to your feelings would be discomfort?”

Yuzuru turns to one side and hugs his legs with his free arm.

“I don’t know,” he admits in a tiny voice. “I don’t know what to think. I figured out my feelings for him in Pyeongchang and since then he has been ignoring me.” Kanako makes a surprised noise and Yuzuru amends, “Well, he isn’t exactly ignoring me. But he’s being really cold and formal. It’s like we’re back at the beginning. Like it was before we became friends. And I can’t think of another reason.” He takes a deep breath to keep the tears at bay. “He barely even looked at me at the ceremony last month, Kana! Can you think of any other reason for that?”

Yuzuru closes his eyes and focuses on breathing evenly while Kanako takes in everything he just said. After a few moments of silence, Kanako sighs and says, “Okay, I’ll admit I can’t. I don’t know why Shoma is acting this way.”

Even with all his effort, a tear falls on Yuzuru’s pillow. “But I can assure you, Yuzu, he’s not freaked out about your feelings. I don’t think he knows about them. Whatever his reasons are for acting the way he’s been acting, they have nothing to do with you being in love with him. Of that I’m sure.”

“Then why?” Yuzuru whines.

Kanako stays silent for a few seconds and then there’s the sound of a hand slapping… something on her side of the call. “I’m going to ask him–”

Yuzuru’s eyes fly open and he flails into a sitting position. “You can’t! You promised you wouldn’t tell anybody. That includes Shoma!” His heart is pounding.

“Okay, okay. I wasn’t going to tell him anything!” she exclaims. “I was just going to comment of his weird behavior this past couple of days, but I guess we already tried that. You should talk to him, though.”

Yuzuru pushes his hair behind his ears and sighs. “I know. I will. Next time I’ll see him will be in Nagano. If he’s still acting weird by the end of Heroes and Future, I’ll talk to him.”

Kanako chuckles. “Okay, good. Well, it’s not that I don’t like talking to you, but this call has been going on for too long for my taste. Bye, Yuzu.”

“Love you too, Kana,” Yuzuru says, with a small, fond smile. “Bye!”

The call ends and Yuzuru lies back down, hugging a pillow to his chest and taking a deep breath. Maybe Kanako is right. Maybe there’s another reason for Shoma’s actions. And he’ll soon find out, either way.

His conversation with Kanako helps. It gives him a dose of hope, even though it leaves him confused. He still can't figure out why Shoma is being so distant. But Kanako was sure it wasn't his fault and that's enough for now.

What helps even more is seeing Javier again after so long. Yuzuru had almost forgotten how easily Javier can calm him down, even when his thoughts are spiraling out of control. He seems to know immediately that there’s something wrong. From the look Javier gives him Yuzuru knows that there’s a conversation he can’t escape from in his future.

For now he can goof off with Nobu while they wait for the rehearsal to start. That's another thing that takes his mind off of his worries. It’s impossible to stay sad when Nobu is around being silly and getting into shenanigans. Rehearsing for Fantasy on Ice is great for his mood. There’s always someone joking around with him. He has to divide his attention between so many people that it's hard to let his thoughts wander.

Javier gives him only until after dinner the first day. When Yuzuru excuses himself so he can go lie down and ice his ankle, Javier jumps up and calls out: “Yuzu, wait!”

When Yuzuru looks back, Javier approaches him with a kind smile on his face. “Come on,” Javier says, placing a hand on his shoulder and walking beside him. “I’ll help you with your ankle and we’ll catch up.”

Yuzuru smiles and puts his arm around Javier’s waist. They don’t speak at all the whole way to his room or while he gets settled in bed, sitting with a bag of crushed ice on his ankle. Javier sits beside his knees, sighs and, after some hesitation, asks: “Do you want to talk about whatever it is that’s bothering you?”

Yuzuru tries to feign ignorance. “I don’t know–” One look at Javier’s unimpressed face and he gives up. “How did you know something is wrong?”

Javier smiles at him. “I know you, Yuzu.” When that doesn’t seem enough for him, Javier sighs and continues. “This morning, you were making fun of Nobu for some reason and you stopped and looked around. After a moment, your smile seemed to freeze on your face. It was kind of like you had just remembered something that made you sad but didn’t want anybody to notice.”

“Oh,” he breathes, remembering the moment perfectly. It was just a moment, a few seconds at most, where he had wanted Shoma to make fun of Nobu with him. A second where he forgot Shoma wasn’t at Fantasy on Ice this year. Then he remembered they also weren’t actually joking around together either. He felt his smile freeze on his face before Nobu distracted him again.

“I thought no one saw that.”

“I don’t think anybody else noticed it.” Javier reassures him. “But you didn’t answer my question. Do you want to talk about it? I’ll understand if you don’t,” Javier looked concerned, “but I want to help if I can.”

Yuzuru clears his throat and stares at the wall behind Javier. “I– Yes, I want to talk about it. But no one else can know. It’s a secret. Well, it was. Three people know now. Is that still a secret?”

Javier gives him an unimpressed look, so Yuzuru takes a deep breath. “It’s Sho.”

Javier frowns. “Shoma?” Yuzuru nods. “What about Shoma, Yuzu?”

Javier takes one of Yuzuru’s hands in both of his and just like that the whole story comes spilling out. He even tells Javier about his conversation with Kanako. About how she almost convinced him that it wasn’t all his fault somehow. That it didn’t mean he would get sad whenever something made him miss Shoma, though.

Javier stays quiet for a few while, obviously taking it all in. “Woah.” He gets up and goes to sit side by side with Yuzuru, putting an arm around his shoulders and letting Yuzuru’s head fall into his shoulder. “Well, it’s good that you have a plan of action. And there’s nothing to be done right now. But everything is going to be alright, you’ll see. For now, all we can do is distract you so you don’t think about it too much.”

And that’s exactly what he does. For the next two weeks, Javier seems to always be offering silent support with a smile, a pat on his shoulder or a full hug. With the help of the rest of the cast - who don’t even know they’re helping with something - Javier makes sure he has no time for sad thoughts. That he spends two weeks surrounded by love and laughter.

Those good feelings get him through the next week and into the JOC sports award. He gets up early on the second day of Heroes and Future to pick up the choreo for the group numbers he missed because of the award ceremony. He feels better having a plan, knowing that by tomorrow night he’ll have tried to solve this issue. His relationship with Shoma might never go back to what it was, but he’ll know he did everything he could to fix it.

His determination helps him keep his focus and his good spirits. Even when he sees a sleepy Shoma enter, followed by Sota, Kazuki and Keiji, and go to the opposite end of the rink without even a look in Yuzuru’s direction.

He almost laughs out loud at the way that Keiji looks at Shoma, then at Yuzuru looking at Shoma, then back at Shoma and rolls his eyes. So Keiji definitely knows something, which is to be expected. He probably got Shoma to talk after Kanako had called Yuzuru.

Javier chooses that moment to arrive as well. Like Keiji, he looks back and forward between them before catching Yuzuru’s eye with a questioning gaze. Yuzuru just shrugs. Javier skates over to him.

“Yuzu, are you okay?” Javier whispers, placing a hand on Yuzuru’s waist and turning him so he’s facing Javier with his back to the rest of the rink. When he just shrugs again, Javier fixes his hair behind his ear. It makes him smile and Javier smiles back at him before placing a hand at his nape. “I’m here if you need to talk again. Or if you just need more hugs, I’ll give you all the hugs.”

“Thank you, Javi,” he replies, still smiling. “I don’t need to talk. I accept hugs! But I know what I have to do. For now, I wait and skate.”

“And have fun.” Javier says, pulling him in for a hug.

“Yes, skate.” he says, making Javier laugh out loud.

And he does have fun. Possible heartbreak aside, he has two wonderful nights. His ankle doesn’t give him too much trouble, which is a relief. In the end, he leaves the rink side by side with Javier, happy with his performance. He’s is both hopeful and apprehensive. Later, the cast convinces him to go to dinner to celebrate the show’s success. There are so many people vying for his attention that he only notices that Shoma and Keiji both left early long after they’re gone.

The dinner is a short one, everybody is tired and most of them have to travel early the next day. While he’s walking back to the hotel, Yuzuru sends Keiji a message asking where he is. Keiji replies right away saying he’s helping Shoma with packing. Yuzuru almost laughs at the predictability of that answer and asks for the room number.

The moment he sees the numbers on his phone screen, it’s like his heart is stuck to his throat. He stops walking and stares at his phone without really seeing it. Suddenly, Javier is by his side, with a hand on his shoulder. “Come on, Yuzu. It’s gonna be okay, you’ll see. You just have to talk to him.”

He looks at Javier helplessly. “What if it’s not, Javi? What if he– he hates me?” He whispers, pocketing his phone and letting Javier steer him towards the hotel.

“He doesn’t hate you, Yuzuru. It’s Shoma! He could never hate you.” Javier shakes him a bit.

“But what if–” Before the words are even out of his mouth, Javier is turning him towards himself and putting both hands on his shoulders.

“Stop thinking like that and go talk to him. You had a plan, now it’s time to act on it!” Javier shakes him once more before releasing him.

He takes a deep breath, straightens his posture and nods. “Okay. Yes. I go!” He says before walking away.

“Text me later and tell me how it went!” Javier yells behind him.

Yuzuru only nods and keeps walking. It seems both an eternity and no time at all before he’s standing in front of Shoma’s hotel door. After a few deep breaths, he knocks on the door. He doesn’t have to wait long before Keiji opens the door.

“Good, you’re here,” Keiji says before going back inside the room and then, more loudly, “Shoma, I’m done with your suitcases. I’m going to pack mine now.”

Shoma – who Yuzuru can now see it’s sitting up in the bed, playing on his phone – frowns before asking, “What?” He’s obviously pausing the game to talk to Keiji. “I thought we were going to play–” His words seem to die in his mouth when he sees Yuzuru standing just behind Keij. He stands up quickly, saying a quick, “Yuzuru, good evening!” and bowing.

Yuzuru feels his eyes bugging at that while Keiji just says, “Another time,” claps Yuzuru in the shoulder and goes.

After he leaves, they spend a few awkward moments where neither of them says anything. Shoma looks at everything but Yuzuru and Yuzuru can’t take his eyes away from Shoma. He realizes Shoma radiates nervousness, from his straight back to his clasped hands. That helps Yuzuru relax, strangely. He takes steps away from the door and asks, “Can we talk?”

“Of course! Yes.” Shoma exclaims while tilting a little like he wants to bow again but it’s stopping himself. He looks all around the room before grimacing and gesturing to the bed. “You can sit on the bed. Sorry, there’s nowhere else to sit.”

Yuzuru laughs nervously before going to sit. “It’s okay. Please sit as well?” Shoma hesitates for a second before nodding. He takes a seat: Back straight, hands – still clasped – on his lap.

Shoma whole posture takes the smile away from Yuzuru’s face. “I’ll get straight to the point, otherwise we both know I’ll talk in circles.” When that doesn’t elicit even a smile, Yuzuru hearts seems to get heavier. He tries to catch Shoma’s gaze and sighs before asking. “Well… Why have you been– I don’t want to say avoiding me.” At that, Shoma’s wide eyes find his. “But yes, avoiding is the only word I can think of. So, why have you been avoiding me since Pyeongchang?”

“I haven’t!” Shoma exclaims. “I have replied to all your messages!”

Yuzuru can’t help but to despair at that. “With the shortest, most formal answers ever, Sho!”

Shoma shakes his head and seems to make an effort to stay sitting down. His mouth opens and closes but the silence stretches and Yuzuru can’t stand it. “Was it something I did?” he asks in a tiny voice.

Shoma startles. “No!”

After the outburst, he goes silent and blushes while looking everywhere but at Yuzuru.

Yuzuru waits for a moment before asking, “Then why–”

“It was my fault.” Shoma interrupts Yuzuru, who falls silent. “I was afraid.” Yuzuru makes an alarmed noise but he continues. “I admit I was also embarrassed. I saw the pictures and read the comments and I–” he puts his head in his hands, looking at the ground between his feet. “I was terrified,” he whispers.

“Terrified of what, Sho?” Yuzuru asks softly, immediately wanting to protect Shoma from whatever it is. “What pictures and comments? I don’t understand.”

Shoma raises his head up and looks into the middle distance. It's like he's trying to organize his thoughts or remember things that had happened months ago.

“After the Olympics, Itsuki made a joke about us. About how many people seemed to love our relationship online.” Yuzuru makes an inquiring noise. “It was an offhand joke, something my brother loves to do, but it made me curious.”

“And? You went online looking for what he was talking about, didn’t you?” Yuzuru asks carefully, knowing that’s seldom a wise thing to do.

Shoma nods and looks as if he’s steeling himself. “There were so many pictures! But there was one in particular. It wasn’t even taken at the Olympics but it was so telling.”

When Shoma doesn’t continue, Yuzuru asks, “Telling? I don’t understand. What do you mean, telling?

Shoma still takes a few seconds before he answers. “Well, I just needed a look at it to realize how smitten I looked. And people noticed as well and were commenting about my apparent ‘heart-eyes’.  I got so embarrassed, thinking, ‘am I that transparent?’”

Yuzuru draws a sharp breath as hope starts to bloom in his chest. He makes an inquiring noise, hoping to encourage Shoma to continue and not knowing what to ask next.

Thankfully, this time that’s all it takes for Shoma to continue. “After the embarrassment came the fear. I grew terrified of the Japanese media’s reaction if they believed I was actually in love with... another man.”

Yuzuru can feel his heart constricting painfully in his chest. He’s quite familiar with that fear. “I understand how terrifying that can be.” Yuzuru sniffs a little. “I have been in that same position. I’ve thought about how that could end my career. How I would lose my sponsorships and whatever awful things would happen if people in Japan knew for sure I was anything but straight”

Shoma finally looks at Yuzuru with his wide eyes and Yuzuru notices the tears running down Shoma’s face. Yuzuru’s tears start to fall in response. Shoma blinks a few times before nodding and saying softly, “Yeah.” He clears his throat before continuing. “I thought that if I went back to treating you formally. If our interactions went back to what they used to be, it would be easier to pretend.”

“Pretend we’re only competitors and teammates, not friends?”

“Yes, exactly!” Shoma nods again. “I thought that if I kept you at arm’s length, the cameras wouldn’t be able to pick up me looking like a fool in love. And it worked! But–” Shoma expression turns anguished and it breaks Yuzuru’s heart. “But I hadn’t thought about how you would feel. I convinced myself that you only saw me as a teammate, that you wouldn’t miss my friendship. I never meant to hurt you or make you feel ignored and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

Yuzuru is fully crying now and can’t hold himself back anymore. So he scoots closer to Shoma in the bed and hugs him. He whispers reassurances: “It’s okay,” “I understand,” and “There’s nothing to forgive,” to each sobbed “I’m sorry.” Then he releases a relieved hitched breath when Shoma’s arms tentatively wrap around his waist to hug him back and he feels Shoma hide his face in his neck.

They stay like this for a while, until Shoma’s breathing goes back to normal, even though the position is uncomfortable with both of them sitting down and turned to each other at the waist. Eventually, Yuzuru raises his head from where it was resting on top of Shoma’s.

Inspired by Shoma’s bravery in confessing all that he has feeling, Yuzuru decides to be brave as well. He takes his hand out of Shoma’s shoulder and wipes the tears out of the younger skater’s face.

“I was so sure it was my fault.” Shoma inhales and opens his mouth but Yuzuru keeps talking before he can say anything. “No, don’t apologize again. I understand. I just need you to understand my side as well. Just– Let me say this.”

Shoma nods and it’s Yuzuru’s turn to look off to the side and try to gather his thoughts. He scoots back on the bed so he can turn more of his body towards Shoma, who mirrors his position. Yuzuru takes Shoma’s hand in his and looks into his eyes. But then, all his bravery seems to run out and he looks at Shoma’s hand instead.

“On the days after the free program at the Olympics, whenever I had time to myself, I’d think about how happy I was that you were by my side on the podium and how much your friendship meant to me in the months after the accident.” Shoma makes a punched-out, hurt sound and Yuzuru squeezes his hand. “And the more I thought about it, the more I realized the depth of my feelings for you. The day before you arrived for the gala rehearsals, I was having fun with everyone but I couldn’t stop missing you. It was then that I realized that I was in love with you.”

Yuzuru hears Shoma’s sharp intake of breath but he can’t make himself look up. “I tried to see if maybe you felt the same, if you were receptive to me being more affectionate, but nothing seemed different. You still seemed to endure it all without treating me any differently so I decided to wait. And then I had to focus in rehab and making the preparations for Continues. I see now that I let myself focus on those things so I didn’t have to think about what your silence meant.”

Shoma wipes the tear that runs down Yuzuru’s face with the hand not currently being held but stays silent. “The more you reverted back to your formal self, the more I thought that you had noticed my feelings. That you were uncomfortable. Or that it was your way of rejecting me without saying anything. And in the worst moments, when I was feeling really bad about it all, I would think that you hated me for it. That you were disgusted by it all.” Yuzuru can’t see Shoma’s expression and he still doesn’t want to raise his head up but he notices Shoma is frantically shaking his head.

Yuzuru squeezes Shoma’s hand again before reassuring him verbally. “I know you wouldn’t. I know that’s not who you are as a person. Realistically, I know that. But my mind would play tricks on me and in my lowest moments, that’s what I would think.” Yuzuru takes another deep breath and finally looks into Shoma’s sad eyes.

Shoma meets his gaze and starts to stroke his hand with a thumb. “I know you asked me not to apologize again, but I’m sorry you felt that way. I’m sorry I’ve made you feel that way. And I need you to know that, even if I didn’t lo– love you, I could never ever hate you.”

Yuzuru nods repeatedly while tears of relief roll down his face.

Shoma smiles at him and continues, talking in little bursts while Yuzuru just takes it all in. “Also, your big realization and you looking for clues? I didn’t notice. You were always so flirty. Not just with me, but with everyone. I saw no difference between the way you were with Javier and the way you were with me. So I thought I was the fool in love while you were just being yourself. And– And my feelings haven’t changed… Or maybe it’s better to say that I didn’t realize my feelings in Pyeongchang. I have been aware of them for a while now. So, if you were waiting for me to treat you differently as proof that your feelings were requited, you were late. I’ve been aware that I was in love with you for more than a year now.”

“Oh, wow. But– but how? Why– Why didn’t you say something?” Yuzuru asks.

“I thought it was helpless.” Shoma shrugs. “ You said once you wanted to have a wife by the time you were 25. When I realized my feelings, that was the first thing I thought. I figured it was hopeless. Nothing about this,” he continues with an expansive gesture to show he means the whole conversation, “has ever crossed my mind as something possible.”

Yuzuru smiles at that, only to frown again a second later. “So, what now?” At Shoma’s head tilt, he continues, “Your concerns are still valid. There’s still the problem of the public perception of our relationship. So, what do you want to do? Just... please don’t go back to ignoring me.”

Shoma immediately starts to shake his head. “I won’t! I won’t! I know now that I shouldn’t have panicked. I talked to Keiji and he said that even if we did end up together, as long as we’re really private about it, no one would care. We would just need to be really careful.”

Yuzuru feels like he has never smiled so wide. “Is that something you want to try?”

Shoma blushes but nods. “Yes. You?”

“Yes, of course.” He mimics Shoma’s nods just to see him laugh.

They smile at each other for a while before Yuzuru clears his throat and takes the last leap. “Can I– Can I kiss you?”

“Um.” Shoma hesitates and Yuzuru has a moment of panic before Shoma continues. “I would like that, but I’d prefer if our first kiss didn’t involve so much snot and tears.” Yuzuru can’t help but laugh and nod. “I mean, you’re still pretty, even when you’re crying, but I’m sure my face looks a mess right now.”

Yuzuru stops laughing and just smiles fondly at Shoma. “Your face looks fine– Well, more than fine, as always.” Shoma blushes again and Yuzuru’s smiles grows. “But you’re right. And on that note, can I use your bathroom?”

With a fond smile, Shoma points to the door and says, “Be my guest.”

After he done washing his face off, he leaves the bathroom to find Shoma waiting at the door. As Shoma is passing by his side to enter the bathroom, he feels the younger skater trail his hand from his elbow to his fingertips. He can feel his whole body tingling in response.

While Shoma is in the bathroom, Yuzuru paces a bit and sends a quick message to Javier, telling him everything worked out alright. Javier replies with a “Told you!” making Yuzuru laugh.

Yuzuru is pocketing his phone with a smile when Shoma gets out of the bathroom. He walks up to where Yuzuru is standing and, with the slight smirk Yuzuru didn’t know he missed until this very moment, says, “Ok, now you can kiss–”

Yuzuru takes great joy in cutting off Shoma’s words with his lips.

**Author's Note:**

> And then they tried to keep their relationship a secret from everyone. That didn't work so well. Keiji and Javi seemed to just know when they were all saying their goodbyes the next morning; Javi smiled fondly at them both and Keiji smirked at Shoma. When Kanako found out, she laughed until she cried and had to stop to breathe.


End file.
